Mongolia? Who’s idea was this? This has to be a joke; Having the Korean Summit in Mongolia is the worst joke ever 
told. When was the last time Mongolia held anything besides Buzkashi Premiere League Championship?
What is Buzkashi? We’ll get to that (since our diplomats will have to learn, apparently). Think Polo with a dead goat.
We know this much: The President didn’t read my Tweet. I’ve implored him to have this Summit meeting on a US Aircraft Carrier – it’s all about making a first impression. Plus, nowhere in Korea is safe. The NoKo’s will have ample time to booby-trap a desk, chair, or lamp. Or Kim Jong-Un could send in his Emissaries first all smothered in anthrax to shake President Trump’s hand. What, you didn’t think of that?
Kim walks into an empty room of corpses and declares victory, fulfilling his grandfather’s promise to vanquish the American Imperialist Pig Dogs. Or Kim could show some backbone and sit across the table with a sniper perched far off behind him; see if he twitches when the round buzzes by him. Think carefully: if we lose the leader of the free world who will steer us in the direction of right, moral, and just? CNN will have to take on the job full time!
First rule in negotiations is control the meet. You choose where people get to sit, the type of coffee and water, eat-in or eat-out, and most importantly, you pick the venue. A USS Aircraft carrier is the most fortified marine-based vessel around to have a meeting. (Until China finishes militarizing the islands in the sea they are building.)
The President’s safety is paramount in these negotiations (Sorry, Japan), and the Secret Service will be sweeping the meet for months. (Usually the USSS can take 6-12 weeks to lockdown a venue for a presidential visit. There is a first team that goes to venues three weeks ahead, minimum.)
We have so much riding on this Summit. A denuclearization treaty hasn’t happened since the detente of the late 80s between President Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev. And that worked out well for us. Once the USSR realized they couldn’t sell their nuclear weapons they went bankrupt.
The Korean Summit has worldwide implications for peace. The Summit will show the world how diplomacy works. Tough talk ends in compromise, not war. Avoiding negotiations leads to status quo, and spiraling out of control behavior by a bad state actor. Donald Trump: The art of Diplomacy. (Unless we get cut out of all this entirely and the Korean Peninsula swears allegiance to China.)
And now, What is Buzkashi? Like I said, it’s polo with a dead goat’s head. Or a full dead goat, or calf, or lamb I presume; it’s a regional thing. A horserider mounts a horse, there’s teams of horseriders, they have a faceoff circle like in rugby and to start the game they all rush to the dead goat (or head) on their horses to pick it up. Whoever has the dead goat must then take it downfield for,… a touchdown. And like hockey and football the other team tries to stop the runner by any means necessary, and can rip and pull the goat apart trying to wrestle it from his competitor. You can block and check and set picks, lotta strategy under that bloody dead goat head.
What, you thought I was kidding about this?
Here are some Buzkashi pictures I have for you. I apologize I don’t know the names of the teams. Here’s a faceoff at at beginning of a game, you can see a nice fresh dead goat ready to play. Will be nice and tender when the game’s over.
A Buzkashi between North East Afghans in the National stadium of Kabul. “bOzkashI” is one of the ancient games played in Afghanistan. The name of this game is perhaps derived from hunting mountain goats by ancient champions n horseback.
So after the scrum we race out with the carcass. This move here is called “splitting the defense.” You can see they might both be teammates carrying the carrion to the endzone, or they might be opposing players having a yank at the dead goat. In case you wondering, No they don’t stop the game if a piece of goats comes off. (Tuukka Rask.) Whoever has the most goat in proportion to the opposing player will be deemed to have possession of the dead goat.
Here is another bloke looks like he’s going in for a score on a breakaway. He just has to get the goat over the line for a 
score. Don’t know how much points you get for the dead goat, if it’s like hockey and baseball, or basketball or football with different scoring values and measures. Maybe if you toss the goat over it’s 2 points, or maybe if you carry the goat across with your horse that’s six points? Or I don’t know I honestly never scored a game.
Speaking of never scoring, I’m not sure if you know this about me but I’m also a bit unclear if any regions have updated the game since 7,000 years ago and added field goals. Like maybe you can throw the dead goat head through a hoop or kick it through the uprights for three. Not sure. I would email the league to find out but, it’s played in Mongolia and Afghanistan, so, can’t email those places…. no WiFi. I suppose I could post one, just email “Buzkashi League Offices, Mongolia,” and it’ll get there.
This game here looks like it went into OT by the looks of that goat. Yeah no quarters given in Buzkashi you play until 
the goat is finished and there is nothing left. I know I know i though they ate the dead goat at the end of the game, too, in sort of a post-game, Ah it’s OK we’re all friends mate-moment. But they eat the losing team. (Not the horses, they need horses not riders.)
So that’s about all the pictures I have to prove to you this game exists in Mongolia — and is especially popular in Afghanistan. So tell me what you think in the comments below! If anyone knows if there is forward passing allowed, or if the scoring mechanism’s like 3 and 6, or one point per. Or if there are rule differences playing with a full dead goat or just a dead goat head — how much neck do you leave for grip?
I will bring all of you questions up in my written letter to the Buzkashi League Offices. Just add in some questions I’ve forgot to ask and leave them in the comments. I’ll share the letter with you before posting – posting it at the Post, not, a virtual post. Post Offices. I know milleniels don’t know what that is but you just focus on the questions to ask I’ll find where a post office is online.
And while we are at it I’ll also extend my regrets for not having our North Korean Summit in Mongolia.
2 comments